M does not like baths. She never has. I've tried the sink, the little bucket, with a sponge pad, without a sponge pad, in the tub with me...I don't know if it's sliding around and getting all slippery that bugs her. Maybe we keep our house too cool. Who knows? If you have tips to help an 8 month old enjoy bath time, please share!
Getting ready for bath
In the mean time, M gets a sponge bath for her clean-up routine. I sit her on a diaper on her changing pad, and she gets all lathered up. I keep a cup of warm water beside me and rinse with a different warm, wet cloth. For now, it works.
Speaking of bath time, there is a great resource available online for folks who like to know what is in the typical baby shampoo and other products. It's called the Cosmetics Database, and you can type in specific searches or just browse products. By law, companies are not required to disclose certain ingredients (like what makes up the generic label, 'fragrance'). But they do have to disclose some ingredients that aren't considered trade secrets. This website offers a database compiling information about known effects of each individual ingredient since the product testing results are confidential.
The reason I found it handy was because I discovered that the high end 'natural' diaper cream I was buying at the local health food store was no better than regular old Desitin. And that the soap I was using for the baby was worse than my own body soap. Having shunned vaseline because it was a petroleum product, I realized it was one of the safest items out there to act as a barrier cream. Of course, it's still a petroleum product... Look for a post soon with homemade soap, shampoo, lotions, and even diaper cream! (All 100% natural and safe)
Lately, I've had a number of friends ask about M's cloth diapers and our homemade laundry detergent. Despite making me sound like a tree-hugging nut (I am) with too much time on my hands (maybe), it's actually very easy and wicked cheap. It works well for anyone interested in saving a ton of money on baby items. We have spent less than $200 on diapers, and M is equipped through next year. The cost of laundering the pre-folds is about $4/month. Did I mention that we have had 3 poop explosions in 8 months? And that was only because we accidentally left a gap in the leg. Otherwise, our poop explosion count would be zero. What's not to love?
Laundry Detergent: I'll start here because our laundry detergent can be used on all laundry and costs less than one cent per load. It takes about 15 minutes to put together and lasts a couple of months (laundry for three people plus diapers).
Ingredients:
1 bar of soap- I use ivory because it's easy to find at the grocery
1 cup washing soda- this is different from baking soda
1/2 cup borax
5 gallon bucket- we use an empty cat-litter bucket
1. Boil four cups of water on the stove
2. Grate bar of soap into boiling water and stir, while boiling, until soap has dissolved
3. Pour 3 gallons of hot water from that tap into a 5 gallon container. Add the boiled soap solution to the hot water.
4. Pour in washing soda and stir until dissolved.
5. Pour in borax and stir until dissolved.
6. Set container aside and let sit overnight.
7. The next morning, stir mixture again. A thick gel will have formed at the top; just stir to break up gel.
You can keep the detergent in the 5 gallon container or reuse old detergent bottles. I prefer the latter because the mixture needs to be shaken or stirred (ha-ha) before each use, and the cup is already there to measure the detergent.
This formula works with high-efficiency washers because it is low-sudsing, naturally. (Suds are an added gimmick. Don't take my word for it; Google it and you'll see what I mean.)
Diapers: There are a million options out there for cloth diapers. I'm just going to plug what we prefer for our kiddo based on quality and cost-effectiveness. Pre-folds, in my opinion, are the best in terms of ease-of-use and budget-friendliness.
You can get cheaper pre-folds, but we buy ours from Green Mountain Diapers (GMD). I buy the unbleached organic cotton, but they have cheaper options. I prefer this style because they are wider and shorter for each size. This seems to fit our girl better. She's a skinny-mini, so I don't know how the typical, narrow pre-fold suits the chunky babes. In addition to great diapers, their washing instructions are my diapering bible. They have a solution for every issue. GMD is also a great, small-business. I love to support small businesses!
We use Imse Vimse covers because they are soft, quiet, don't allow leaks, and each size seems to fit for a long time. My only complaint is that the elastic wears easily. (We dry them in the dryer, which is against the manufacturer's recommendation.) We'll have to buy new covers for the next baby.
M in her Imse Vimse Photo by Shawn Pierce
Laundering the Diapers: We use about a cap full of detergent for each load of diapers (24 prefolds and a cover or two). We also use 2 tablespoons of oxygen bleach. Because we have soft water and a high-efficiency washer, this helps brighten the diapers and completely eliminates urine odors. I equate diaper laundry with Barry's smelly soccer clothes. They need something a little extra. It amounts to $0.25 per load ($4/month). We prefer pure oxygen bleach. The only option we've found that you can buy without being a wholesaler is Ecover. It's non-chlorine and 100% natural. Not all families need this addition, but we do best with it.
We dry our pre-folds and covers in the dryer despite recommendations against it. We just don't have a good space in the yard for hanging laundry because our great dane eats fabric. And, being a great dane, there's no space out of his reach. ;)
Many mothers form an instant bond with their babies. One look, one snuggle, and that bond is formed. It took M and me a little longer. Don't get me wrong, I loved her before she was born...the solid mommy/daughter connection took a while longer.
I have a few guesses as to why it took us a while, based on attachment studies. We were separated for a couple of hours at birth, and it took M 3 1/2 weeks to latch. In addition, she was colicky (Dietary intolerances and reflux), and I had pretty significant PPD. The early weeks were rough. I told B that I wanted to give away the cats, the dog, and the baby. I frequently daydreamed about moving to Fiji. Looking back, I feel horrible. But, that's the truth, and I think the only way to move forward from that space is to recognize it and leave it in the past.
Over time, you can't help but bond with a child who nurses at your breast and snuggles much of the day against your skin. It happened slowly, but at about 4 months, it hit me. This is my sweet little girl. I would do absolutely anything for her. We had a special connection and rhythm. I could read her cues for hunger or boredom without so much as a fuss. I knew just when she was ready for a nap or the broccoli I ate was giving her gas. I'm sure all moms develop that skill, but it held so much meaning for me. I didn't feel like a failure anymore. We were going to be just fine. :)
Now, we're compadres. Caring for M has become a joy instead of a burden. We wake up smiling at each other. Even daddy has benefitted from this bond. She's more secure with him, too. And while she's waking, she reaches for his arm and looks for his smiles. Words cannot express the joy we experience with our little family.
When M was born, we were immediately separated for two hours, while we were each 'under observation.' Our full term, 9 1/2 lb, healthy girl was carted off to the NICU because there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. This is common in an infant born after 40 weeks. When M was born, her breathing and heart rate were normal, and her apgar scores were high. She had no signs of Meconium Aspiration Syndrome, yet she was whisked away.
My parents got a good look at M before I did. I was vomiting when they tried to show her to me, an effect of the anesthesia. Mom said M looked like a giant baby compared to all the preemies in the NICU. When they finally brought our baby to me, I was relieved. But somehow, it was like being handed a stranger. I didn't feel her come out; I didn't hold her while she was gray and squishy; I didn't even have a chance to offer her milk. When she was finally in my arms, she was dressed in baby clothes from the hospital, wearing a diaper and swaddled in a blanket.
Months before her birth, I watched this great video illustrating how babies will crawl to the breast and latch. Nursing our children is the most natural part of life. It's instinctual.
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), it is recommended that breastfeeding is initiated within 60 minutes of birth. Infants also shouldn't be offered any artificial nipples or pacifiers. Because of our unnecessary separation, we didn't have that opportunity. When the time came to nurse M, the hospital lactation consultant (LC) told me my nipples were flat and handed me a plastic nipple shield. M latched a few times that day, but because of the plastic device, never got much colostrum. I was exhausted, and while B was on baby duty for 2 hours the first night, he found a pacifier gifted by a well-meaning relative. When I woke to see the device, I let B know we would not be using that. But it was too late. M wouldn't latch again. And to this day, M uses a pacifier at night.
Less than 24 hours after M's arrival, another LC insisted our healthy, 9 1/2 lb, full term baby needed to supplement since she hadn't latched again. So, I sat with a breast pump attached to my boobs, trying to get my milk to come in. Across the room, B gave M a bottle of formula. We were able to order donor mother's milk, but not 'in time' for M's feeding. The next three days in the hospital, M had donor milk from a bottle provided by dad while I cried and tried to get my milk to come in. I also continued to try to get M interested in getting milk from me instead of the bottle, but to no avail.
My milk came in on the fourth day, but it took M 3 1/2 weeks to latch. That may not seem like much time, but to a new mom, that is an eternity. And it took even longer for us to bond...but that's a topic for another post. We read books upon books about childbirth and breastfeeding before M arrived. We knew the WHO guidelines, and we hired a post-partum doula to come to our house. But being medicated and exhausted in an environment with 'experts' telling us what to do, we just didn't have the presence of mind or strength to fight it. As first time parents, who were we to argue with the pediatrician insisting M needed formula within her first 24 hours of life? And when the LC was attaching bizarre devices to my breast, like the SNS (a complicated feeding tube), I trusted that it was a necessary evil.
Thankfully, we have a secure, attached relationship, and our little one, now 8 months old, nurses like a champ. With the support of our post-partum doula, local La Leche League chapter, and midwife and family who believe in breastfeeding, we were able to jump those initial hurdles. We spent three and a half weeks enjoying skin-to-skin contact and frequently offering the breast. M rooted instinctually, but a nipple is so different from the plastic substitutes that it took time for her to figure out the real thing. A visit to a recommended LC in town finally ended in a successful latch. M was exclusively breastfed for 6 months, and she still only gets tastes of whole foods.
La Leche League has excellent resources for mothers planning to breastfeed:
M started her journey to the other side of the womb around 6 p.m. on March 15th. My cousin K, on spring break, had come down for the afternoon. We stopped at Starbucks (tall peppermint hot chocolate- yum!), wandered around Kroger, and hung out at the house watching Fight Club and eating pizza. As soon as K left, I regretted the pizza. I had gas pains. Every five minutes. For about 30 seconds. Uh-oh.
I was 41 weeks, 4 days pregnant, so this was no surprise. I had spent the past few weeks reading birth stories and hanging out in the birth tub. I knew how early labor for a first-time mom should be. It would progress slowly, be easy. I was going to watch a movie and hang out in the tub.
Just to be sure these were real contractions, I got in the tub and had my husband, B, time contractions with my iPhone app (yes, they have an app for that!) for about 30 minutes. It was about 9:30, and I suggested we call our midwife to give her a heads up. I knew we wouldn't need her 'til morning, but maybe she should try to get to sleep early.
Our midwife (I'll call her L) suggested I try to get some rest, so I got a little nest assembled on the couch. I went to lay down, and my water broke. It was only 9:45. B called L again to report, and I got in the birth tub. Contractions were still about 5 minutes apart, so I couldn't rest. I suggested we watch something funny on t.v. to distract me. We got about 20 minutes into Tosh.0 before I had B turn it off. This was getting hard! Already?
By 11, I had to vocalize through contractions, and they were about 2 minutes in length. B called L and had her come over. Time is a bit fuzzy through all this. I know I was 2 centimeters at midnight and the next few hours were pure hell. I screamed through every contraction. It was very painful, and the hypnobabies practice didn't do a thing except help me breathe.
Between midnight and 4 a.m., I labored in the tub, leaning on a bar stool, and on my hands and knees. It was intense and painful. I know some women experience labor as 'pressure' or 'hard work.' I felt sharp pain, like knives stabbing me from inside, on the underside of my belly. Contractions were very close together for a while, and I remember wishing for a break.
At one point, I remember leaning on the edge of the tub and thinking that I'd rather die than continue with the pain. Later, B said my pupils were very dilated, and he knew I was on another planet. It reminded him of this scene from Family Guy:
That's also about the time L swooped in with rescue remedy and offered to check me again. I was 9 centimeters! Just a small lip on the cervix to go, and I could start to push!
That news, combined with slowing contractions, made the next stage of labor more tolerable. I had been in transition when I was in that dark place, but given how quicly I had progressed, I knew we'd have a baby by 7 or 8 a.m.! Throughout labor, B stood by me, holding my hands and offering encouragement.
L had another client in labor and saw that my contractions were coming further apart (I was falling asleep between them now). She decided to have a back-up midwife come over, and she headed to her other client's house.
By 5 or 6 a.m., the other midwife gave me permission to start pushing with contractions. She and the birth assistant had to coach me on how to push and how to relax. I was fighting the contractions instead of pushing through the pain. I thought pushing would be a relief, but it hurt more!
Note: I spent months talking about 'pressure waves' and 'hypnotic anesthesia.' I read all of the lovely birth stories from Ina May Gaskin. For me, it hurt like hell! Intense, mind-numbing, loss-of-control pain. If I had been in a hospital and strapped to a bed, I'd have been screaming for an epidural at midnight (2 centimeters).
Once I figured out how to push, we tried in every position. In the tub, on the birth stool, on the toilet, on hands and knees, on my back (with the midwife's hands inside me, trying to turn the baby's head). M's head was turned to the side. While we made progress during a contraction, as soon as it passed, she slipped right back up with her head turned to the side.
At about 10:30 a.m., I declared I was done. We had pushed for so long. I was tired of the pain and getting scared. The backup called L who confirmed we had tried everything. L coordinated our transfer to the baby-friendly hospital. We left for the hospital at 11:30. It was a shock to see what a sunny and warm spring day it was. We had kept the blinds closed and lights dim in the house. I realized what a beautiful day it was to be born!
One of the funniest memories of that day is riding down to the hospital and getting stuck at traffic lights. I kept wondering what the people in the car next to us thought as I was screaming and hanging from the panic bar. I couldn't sit because M's head was so low.
L called ahead at the hospital and coordinated the transfer. We skipped triage and went straight to L & D. The nurses were very patient while it took 2 or 3 contractions for me to do what was asked. The OB took a quick look and decided a c-section was necessary. B, my sweet advocate, asked the questions I didn't have the presence of mind to ask: Is there an alternative? Could we try a bit longer? I heard her say something about concern the baby could be in distress. (To be clear, M never actually was in distress) I felt at that moment that I didn't have a choice. As soon as that word 'distress' popped up, I agreed to whatever was necessary. There was an emergency c-section ahead of me, and then we'd be next.
The anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural since they thought it would be some time before the surgery. It took effect immediately. I felt nothing. No pain, no pressure. Sweet, sweet relief. They got us in with another OB very quickly, so the epi ultimately wasn't necessary.
I was so tired during the surgery that I slept through most of it. It did occur to me at one point to give Barry instructions about what shots and procedures we would/would not allow. I put him in charge of making sure they didn't do anything we didn't approve. The anesthesiologist talked and joked with my husband. He was curious about the homebirth and asked a lot of questions about it. I was amazed by how cool all of the medical professionals were about the whole thing. They treated us with kindness and respect, despite choices they might not have made for themselves.
When they pulled the baby out, it took a few seconds to hear cries. Longest few seconds of my life. But there they were. I was certain we were having a boy, and when they said girl, B and I both started crying. M pooped all over the table where they were cleaning her (hee-hee). She was 9 lbs, 8 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. Born at 1:36 p.m. on March 16th. There was meconium in the womb, so they whisked her away for observation. I tried to get a good look at her, but I was vomiting and couldn't really see her.
When the OB stitched me up, she promised me a VBAC and confirmed she was stitching me up for the best possible outcome next time.
M and I were separated for 2 hours while we were each under observation. I still don't understand why we couldn't be observed together, but that's a different topic for another day. M was perfectly healthy, and although I did get an infection while in the hospital, I healed just fine.
Sometimes, I look back and feel like I failed because I gave up. Maybe if I had just tried a little longer or a little harder. Or maybe I'm just a big whimp. Then I remember: I recovered from the c-section by alternating Tylenol and Naproxen for three days. That's it. Over-the-counter medicine for three days, then absolutely nothing. Definitely not a whimp. And it took M 3 1/2 weeks to latch, but I never gave up. In baby time, that felt like an eternity. Definitely not a quitter, either. ;)
Things I want my children to be able to do in no particular order:
1. Make Hollyhock dolls with clothespin legs 2. Dye Queen Anne's Lace with 7-up and food coloring 3. Climb trees 4. Stay out until the street light comes on 5. Play dark tag in the summer 6. Play Andy-Over around the house or barn 7. Play lawn games 8. Ride bikes 9. Catch Salamanders and Frogs 10. Build forts 11. Play Fox and Goose in the snow 12. Use their imaginations
In my life, I remember only a few major moments in history: the challenger disaster; fall of the Berlin wall; September 11th; the Tsunami. There are others of course, but these stand out at the moment.
In 30 years, I may not remember exactly what I was doing the moment President Obama was sworn into office. But I will never forget walking door-to-door in the rain, talking with neighbors about the hope he could bring to our nation. I will remember the mounting joy election night, watching the results from each state roll in with fellow campaign volunteers and watching his acceptance speech with Barry- both of us keenly aware of history taking place before us. I will mark the passage of my own life around this time.
I am not articulate enough to put my joy in words. Simply, I feel the dark cloud that has hung over our country for the past number of years is finally lifting. I can be proud to be an American again.
